1) Karma and Control

15 Jul
I never promised I’d be interesting.
My head’s in a horrible state today, all I’ve done is daydream around, doze through movies, hang around. One of my friends, Taryn who lives quite a way away from me complained at me on the phone today that I don’t do anything. I tried to argue back – I write, I read, watch movies, I attempt to relax… All things that I never have a chance to do really. I’m just trying to regain some kind of mental balance after all of the hectic I forced on myself during the exam time.
I completely understand why I felt the need to pressure myself like that – other people might have the confidence in their ability that allows them to have a kind of safety net when revising. I don’t feel that I do.
I’ve been told that I panic over small things and have no regard for the big things in life but that’s another thing I’d say was to do with control – a kind of karmic “Jesus take the wheel” maybe. I’d rather think that I can control the small things, and that I have no control over the big things because the small things have no bearing on my life. What does it matter if a guy has called me seven times in indecipherable text speak and won’t take the hint? Why should I care that I spilt chocolate ice cream down my white jeans the first time I’ve worn them in three years? Those are the things I’ll freak out about, tell all my friends, whine and moan, but when I lose my purse with all my money I’ll keep it to myself. When my key falls down a drain and then a thunderstorm starts filling my eyes with rain and meaning that I can easily slip my petite wrists into the storm drain but unfortunately I can’t slip it out again as easily, leaving me shuddering in the gutter until my mum comes home – well… if that had happened I might mention it with a nonchalant shrug.
I’d rather say it was karma!
I’d think that I lost my purse three times in a week for a reason, whether it be because I’ve been bad at some point in the previous week or because one time I found a purse with a lot of money in it – another fable for another time. Things that have no bearing are up for questioning … Why God, Why

I never promised I’d be interesting.

My head’s in a horrible state today, all I’ve done is daydream around, doze through movies, hang around. One of my friends, Taryn who lives quite a way away from me complained at me on the phone today that I don’t do anything. I tried to argue back – I write, I read, watch movies, I attempt to relax… All things that I never have a chance to do really. I’m just trying to regain some kind of mental balance after all of the hectic I forced on myself during the exam time.

I completely understand why I felt the need to pressure myself like that – other people might have the confidence in their ability that allows them to have a kind of safety net when revising. I don’t feel that I do.

I’ve been told that I panic over small things and have no regard for the big things in life but that’s another thing I’d say was to do with control – a kind of karmic “Jesus take the wheel” maybe. I’d rather think that I can control the small things, and that I have no control over the big things because the small things have no bearing on my life. What does it matter if a guy has text me seven times in indecipherable text speak and won’t take the hint? Why should I care that I spilt chocolate ice cream down my white jeans the first time I’ve worn them in three years? Those are the things I’ll freak out about, tell all my friends, whine and moan, and ponder on night after night but when I lose my purse with all my money in the world, my card and ID  I’ll keep it to myself. When my key falls down a drain and then a thunderstorm starts, filling my eyes with rain and meaning that I can easily slip my petite wrist into the storm drain but unfortunately I can’t slip it out again as easily, leaving me shuddering in the gutter until my Mum comes home – well… if that had happened I might mention it with a nonchalant shrug.

I’d rather say it was karma!

I’d think that I lost my purse three times in a week for a reason, whether it be because I’ve been bad at some point in the previous week or because one time I found a purse with a lot of money in it – another fable for another time. Things that have no bearing are up for questioning … Why God, Why?

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One Response to “1) Karma and Control”

  1. sophie July 16, 2009 at 12:36 am #

    very nicee peice.
    Portray you well
    :]

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